Psychotic P***y Podcast
Just two sisters discussing women’s mental and physical health. It's not only our hobby, but our careers. We want to shed light on important topics & teach people new things every episode.
Psychotic P***y Podcast
Behind Closed Doors: Domestic Violence and the Changing Landscape of Divorce Laws
Navigating the sensitive terrain of domestic violence intersecting with pregnancy and motherhood is no easy task. Imagine being a healthcare professional grappling with infertility while surrounded by the constant reminders of pregnancy at your workplace. This week's episode begins with a listener's heartfelt story that captures this emotional struggle, setting the stage for a broader discussion on the unique anxieties faced by healthcare professionals during their own pregnancies. We highlight how social media can both alleviate and exacerbate these anxieties, emphasizing the importance of filtering content to maintain a positive mindset.
Domestic violence is more than just physical harm; it involves emotional manipulation, financial control, and isolation, which collectively have severe psychological and physical repercussions. We unpack recent studies and statistics to stress the critical need for specialized healthcare and support systems for survivors. Creating safe, non-judgmental environments for victims is paramount, and mental health professionals play a crucial role in helping them rebuild self-worth and navigate the complexities of leaving abusive relationships. This episode also examines the bureaucratic hurdles in divorce proceedings, particularly between the US and UK, and how these can further traumatize those trying to escape abusive situations.
Empowerment through financial independence is a recurring theme as we delve into the less obvious forms of abuse, such as financial control. We share personal anecdotes and practical advice to help listeners recognize red flags and strive for equal financial partnership in their relationships. Wrapping up the episode, we offer a heartfelt apology for a previous communication mishap and express our gratitude for the support from our growing community. Stay tuned for a special segment next week as we continue to engage with and support our listeners.
Disclaimer: This podcast represents the opinions of Dr. Bridget Melton, MD and licensed therapist Marissa Volinsky, MS, LPC, NCC. The contents of our podcast and website should not be taken as medical advice. The contents of our podcast and website are for general informational purposes only, and are not intended to diagnose, treat, prevent, or cure any condition or disease or substitute for medical advice. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental health professional, or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or treatment and before starting or discontinuing treatment.
If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or a crisis, please reach out immediately to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or text HOME to the Crisis Text Line at 741741. These services are free and confidential.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please reach out immediately to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to the Text Line at 88788. These services are free and confidential.
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Hello and welcome back to our second episode of season two. Today we're talking about domestic violence very heavy topic so if this makes you feel uncomfortable in any way, feel free to sit this one out. Likewise, if you want to share a personal story or speak to a professional, reach out to us at any time for support.
Speaker 2:All right. So thank you guys for joining us. We're so excited to have you here. Even though this is a bit of a heavier topic, we'll still try to work in some personal stories and make it a little bit lighter for everybody. So firstly I'd like to share a story from one of our listeners. It's about last week's episode.
Speaker 2:She talks about her own struggles with infertility at a very young age and she said I could share her story. She said I was lucky that all my friends and family were supportive while I was trying to get pregnant. I was 25 and you should have been able to sneeze on me to impregnate me. Based on both sides of my family, twins are very common on my maternal side. The hardest part was when someone I love, or even a patient, would get pregnant and I'd have to bite down hard on that little tendril of jealousy before it could take root. The first time I was with a termination at Planned Parenthood, I had a moment where I just wanted to slap her because I'd had to work so hard to get to 12 weeks this one time, and then I remembered she wasn't me and took a deep breath and got the fuck over myself. No problem after that. So thank you so much to our listener for sharing that personal anecdote about her own infertility journey and how it made her feel while working in healthcare, especially her experiences working in Planned Parenthood, where patients are coming in for terminations. Meanwhile she was silently suffering with her own health. It can be extremely tough to separate our personal experiences from our work. I can speak to this as well.
Speaker 2:So very early in my pregnancy I was really nervous about potentially miscarrying, for no reason other than the fact that early miscarriages are extremely common. And you know, when you work in healthcare, like all the stats are in your head so you just are constantly like it could be me. It could be me and I didn't have my early ultrasound yet. So I was always just a bit worried, like because without the ultrasound you actually have no idea what's going on in there. So whenever I worked on the early pregnancy unit I would diagnose multiple miscarriages a day and after eight hours it would really start to weigh on my mind. I might go an entire day only seeing non-viable pregnancies and it makes you very nervous. And now I'm at the point where I'm seeing patients come in preterm labor or diagnosed as stillbirths who are just as pregnant as I am now, and when you work in healthcare, you're constantly exposed to these poor outcomes. So your mind can rarely rest and I often find myself wondering, like why them? This could be me throughout the day.
Speaker 2:Like, if you don't work in health care, you might have literally like one story. If you're like, if you know a lot of people um, where you know someone who had a stillbirth, like most people don't know someone who personally had a stillbirth, but when you work in health care you see them almost every, not every day. That would be really crazy, that would be a busy hospital. But maybe once or twice a week you get a really bad outcome like that or like a preterm labor, and so to us it just feels like it's so common because we're the ones who are seeing it. So if you're pregnant, it's very jarring to constantly be like she's just as pregnant as I am and we're cremating her baby you know like it really, really fucks with you mentally.
Speaker 2:So, especially for this person who shared her own story, like she's worked in Planned Parenthood. People are obviously coming in for terminations, which is their right to do so, but for her she's like I've had to work so hard just to get pregnant and it can be really frustrating when you're in that predicament, but, like she said, she took a deep breath and is like you know she's not me and just got over it and that's kind of what you have to do. You just have to separate yourself from your patients. So yeah, thank you so much to our listener for sharing that personal story.
Speaker 1:Yes, thank you, and thank you for listening. That's awesome. So, yeah, absolutely, it is hard. Like you said, you're probably not going to see as many if you're not in the health profession, but I feel like now, with social media, you see it more. For instance, like I've known a few girls that have, but we either went to high school or college together and I didn't know them personally, but because I'm friends with them on social media and they showed everyone that horrific journey, I heard about it and I saw it and it's heartbreaking and I feel like cause we've touched on social media too, you know, you're seeing more of things than ever before because people are more willing to share.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely. People are definitely more willing to share, which can be great, but also can be bad. If you're trying to think positively, you know, if you're trying to think positively and be like I'm a low risk pregnancy, I'm a healthy young woman, there's no reason that I should think something's wrong. But if you're constantly barraged by these videos of people who are having horrific second trimester miscarriages or stillbirths at term, that can really get in your head and you'll be like well, it could be me. Um, so I would say, if you're kind of like searching for those trauma stories while you're pregnant or while you're trying to conceive, you really need to moderate the amount that you absorb so that it doesn't become your whole story. Is is like pregnancy anxiety, because it is uncommon. At the end of the day, having like a term stillbirth is not common and it usually is a symptom of something more dangerous that was unfortunately going on during that pregnancy and we just didn't know it until the outcome happened. So you need to like kind of separate yourself from that negative and horrible journey that someone did have, because you can't let that affect your pregnancy. Um, and I'd also say like don't medicalize yourself like when I was a little bit earlier in pregnancy, like 20 to 25 weeks, everyone at work would be like, oh, are you gonna do this? Are you gonna do this? Like, are you gonna do these extra scans? And I was like no. And they were like, why not? Like why wouldn't you want to know?
Speaker 2:And it's like, well, I am a low risk, knock on wood pregnancy. Like I don't want to medicalize myself and like, find something that we weren't gonna find before. You know what I mean. Like if there was no reason to listen. If my midwife says you need this because this doesn't look right, then 100% I'll do it. But I'm not gonna request it because I'm a doctor and I know they'll say yes to me because I work at the hospital I'm booked at and like I don't know, like try to find something wrong on a scan.
Speaker 2:And then now I'm a high risk pregnancy and it's all my fault, like I didn't need to do this. So that's my advice as well Like, unless you're a very, very anxious person and you need to know, like trying not to medicalize it because pregnancy, at the end of the day, is a completely natural, normal process, you don't need doctors, you don't need you know. Only if something goes wrong, you do so you should just let it run its course. Unless you know you come, you flag as high risk for other reasons. I agree.
Speaker 1:Well, thank you for sharing your personal story again, and now we're going to dive into the topic of domestic violence for this week. So let's start with what is domestic violence? It's a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over the other in an intimate relationship. It could take many forms, including physical, emotional, sexual and financial abuse. This is a widespread issue that does affect people of all backgrounds, genders and sexual orientations, yet it often goes underreported and misunderstood.
Speaker 1:Domestic violence is not just about physical violence. It often includes emotional manipulation, isolation from friends and family, financial control and constant intimidation. Victims may feel trapped, ashamed and unable to seek help, and constant intimidation. Victims may feel trapped, ashamed and unable to seek help. Domestic violence isn't just about physical harm. It inflicts profound psychological wounds. Victims often experience fear, anxiety, depression and PTSD. These mental health effects can persist long after the physical scars have healed and victims may struggle with feelings of shame, guilt and worthlessness. They often develop hypervigilance and they constantly anticipate danger in order to protect themselves, which can lead to chronic stress and anxiety disorders.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So, according to Pathfinder, 44% of women this is worldwide 44% of women cannot make their own decisions about their sexual and reproductive health about their sexual and reproductive health, sorry without fear of violence or harm. 27% of women and girls aged 15 to 49 years report physical and or sexual violence by their intimate partner and, lastly, women who experienced intimate partner violence were 16% more likely to suffer miscarriage. So being abused, whether physically, mentally, psychologically, as Marcia said is directly correlated to poor health outcomes. Marcia just said like affects your mental health and, as we know if you've been on this pod journey with us, your mental health directly affects your physical health.
Speaker 1:In 2021,.
Speaker 2:Dubs and Secchi published a systematic review where they stated, quote intimate partner violence was shown to have negative effects on physical health outcomes for women, including worsening the symptoms of menopause and increasing the risk of developing diabetes, contracting sexually transmitted infections, engaging in risk-taking behaviors, including the abuse of drugs and alcohol, and developing chronic diseases and pain. It also has significant effects on human immunodeficiency virus outcomes. So HIV worsening of your CD4 count depletion. So as HIV progresses, your CD4 count goes down. So as HIV progresses, your CD4 count goes down. So it can actually progress your HIV disease, because your immune system will become weakened if you're suffering from intimate partner violence. So they were able to conclude that quote the result of this review demonstrates that women who have experienced violence and abuse are at significantly increased risk of poor health outcomes in a variety of areas and so require specialized and tailored primary care.
Speaker 2:This review highlights significant gaps in this field of research, particularly in relation to cardiovascular disease, endocrine dysfunction and neurological symptoms and conditions. It demonstrates a need for additional long-term studies in this field to better inform the healthcare of women who've experienced intimate partner violence and to establish the physiological mediators of these outcomes. So yeah, I mean. Obviously we know there are massive gaps in research when it comes to women's health. For years decades really scientists and large companies like pharma companies have said oh, it's because we don't want to study women, because they're of reproductive age and we don't want to be liable if anything goes wrong. In reality, they just paint everyone with a broad brush and women are completely swept under the rug and not investigated properly.
Speaker 2:So the true breadth of damage that intimate partner violence can cause is not really known. But what we do know is it can worsen your health outcomes overall and that's obviously because of the stress you're undergoing, as Marissa will touch on and it can cause PTSD, anxiety, depression. If you're suffering from all of these mental health conditions, how can you properly look after yourself physically? You can't. So intimate partner violence is a really important topic, especially because it's very pervasive, even in the modern world. A lot of people think it's, oh, it's really only bad in certain countries where they don't respect women. That's not true and we know that's not true Absolutely.
Speaker 1:So how does domestic violence contribute to PTSD and trauma? Let's discuss that a bit.
Speaker 1:So, the unpredictable nature of abuse, coupled with feelings of helplessness, can trigger PTSD symptoms such as flashbacks, nightmares and emotional numbing. These symptoms can impair daily functioning and quality of life, as Brigitte has just kind of mentioned and shown in the study. So long-term, there are consequences for these victims on their mental health and survivors may struggle with trust issues, difficulty forming new relationships, challenges in managing emotions, and these effects can persist even after leaving the abusive relationship. And then they have to deal with the fear of retaliation, financial dependence and societal stigma, and this can deter victims from seeking support, and we do see that a lot. Like I said earlier, it goes underreported often and additionally, abusers often manipulate and isolate their partners, making it hard to access resources. They're known to cut them off from family and friends, and this is on purpose. This is to make it harder for them to leave and also easier for them to just go back and continue that cycle of abuse, because without support, how can you get out? How can you get help? It does feel very helpless, you know so I understand that. So it's important as professionals and even friends and family, to create safe spaces for the survivors to share their experiences without judgment, which is extremely crucial, and all mental health professionals can provide trauma-informed care which helps survivors rebuild their sense of safety and self-worth, which is a big thing that we work on when you're trying to help someone leave this relationship, because not only do they need the support and resources, but it really has to do with their own self-worth confidence. All of that Because throughout the whole relationship, the abusive partner has diminished it and chipped away at it little by little by little, and they really do feel unworthy, like I hear a lot in my practice. Do I deserve better? I've even heard one woman say I deserve this. He did this because I did that, so I deserve this. This is my fault and these are things we have to work through. We have to work through these sentences and these negative core beliefs that they formed in this relationship and we have to help them get back on the right path and see that this is not okay. It is never okay. So that's just some things I work with often when it involves domestic violence.
Speaker 1:Another thing I wanted to touch on and I don't know if you saw, bridget, but five days ago, us lawmakers in Louisiana, oklahoma and Nebraska and Texas are discussing eliminating and restricting no-fault divorce. A quote from the Direct article is they feel that divorce laws deprive, deprive people, mostly men, of due process and hurt families. They're trying to make it harder. Now, right, there needs to be fault, but I feel like this hits upon the domestic violence issue, because now it makes it harder for these people who are being abused to leave. Now they're stuck with that person and I feel like no fault.
Speaker 1:Divorce is helpful and I don't know why you would want to eliminate it. So, um, but I guess you know the really right wing Christians believe like that's wrong in the eyes of God. But again, as you and I discussed, bridget, not everyone in this country is that religion. Not everyone's Christian, not everyone's Catholic. We're a melting pot. We have so many different religions. And also I do think it's a bit of government overreach, because you and your partner decide what's best for you or you just because maybe you're in an abusive relationship and you need an out. Nobody, especially the government, should be deciding what kind of divorce you get and if you should be allowed to have it completely.
Speaker 2:You know this is actually something we discuss here. Okay, so I live in england for those of you who are new in season two. So in england, to get a divorce you have to. It can be no fault, I'm sure, but you have to wait a minimum of six months. And I argue this with my in-laws all the time because I'm like a your country takes way too long to get shit done. I'm sorry, but like this is a joke. It's basically just putting more money in the lawyer's pockets. And B, if you are fleeing a situation for your safety, I'm sorry, I'm not waiting six months, I need a divorce and I need it now. And their whole argument is like well, it is the end of a marriage. Well, it is the end of a marriage, like it shouldn't be that you could just like call up your like 1-800 lawyer that like advertises on the subway and get a quickie divorce for $350. And I'm like no, I understand that it is the end of a marriage. It deserves its due process and it deserves its day in court. But in those situations where I am fleeing for mine or my child's safety, I'm sorry. I'm six. Child's safety, I'm sorry. Six months is ridiculous and I'm not waiting that long. You best believe I'd be long out of there way before then.
Speaker 2:I don't give an F what you say and that is I always assumed. I don't actually know how the origin of like US divorce law changed wildly in the 50s and the 60s. It with like california and new york and like where a lot of celebs did live and they were getting divorced more rapid fire. Um, and I think people are just like, oh, that's just because like the glamour of the day, like they wanted quick divorces. But I always actually assumed it's because those, if you run with those circles, there's a lot of drinking and drugs and there's a lot of abuse. Like hollywood was full of abusers back in that time and I genuinely think that like those states were looking out for men or women because obviously anyone can be abused and we're just kind of like yeah, like if you need to get out, you can get out quickly, and states that don't allow you to do that. It's just like I'm sorry, what? Like who are you to decide how quickly I can leave this potentially dangerous marriage?
Speaker 1:yeah, I really think that's crazy, because each marriage is different and for them to halt you and keep you for six extra months is is that's insane. Probably does feel hopeless, like some of these victims are reporting. You know you feel stuck and yeah, absolutely I.
Speaker 2:I do know someone, like casually, she's an acquaintance um in England who is still undergoing her divorce. It has been a year now and at first when I met her I was asking like my in-laws. I was like why is she still mad? Like she's in a new relationship, lives on her own, has completely moved on and I was like why are they like not signing the papers? Like that's bizarre. And they were like no, bridget, like that's how long it takes in England. And I was like why are they like not signing the papers? Like that's bizarre. And they were like no, bridget, like that's how long it takes in England.
Speaker 2:And I was like this is a joke. They have no children. They didn't own a home together. Like she owned her own home separately. It was gifted from her parents, so it's completely in her name, gift from the parents. I don't know his situation, but like he moved into one of her homes like never had kids, didn't share property. So like what is the hangup? I was like sign the papers and go it. Just lines lawyers, pockets more, really, cause you're dragging it out for a year now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, um, I had a client years ago. It was a couple and I could tell that there were signs of verbal abuse. So I was trying to meet with them separately because I was trying to tell the, the female client, like here's some resources you have to get out. And she did, but he would stalk her. So, like they were wealthy enough, where, like, they had their immediate home and then they had like a nice condo up north of in New Jersey, so that's where she was going to live, and she was like this is a separation, it is going to be a divorce eventually, but just like, leave me alone, let's like live our separate lives. Um, and he would just stalk the condo and he said, like we're not allowed to get divorced, divorce isn't an option and it was. It was crazy, um, but this is.
Speaker 1:This is why I hate, like the fact that people are trying to change like the no fault divorce and everything, and make divorces harder or more drawn out. Because why, like it? In situations like this, you're making it so easy for them to get hurt. The victims could get physically hurt because the violence escalates. It could be verbal at first, but if they're not getting their way, it's escalating and escalating and escalating.
Speaker 1:Next thing, you know it's a murder, you know what I mean. Or just something so severe that like they're disabled because you know they tried to kill them but it didn't work. They survived, but they're disabled now. Or I saw, I saw something horrific when I was watching the ID channel once where he lit this girl on fire and she did survive miraculously, but her burns were so bad that, like a couple of months later she died in the hospital. But she was, she was like not even the same person. The burns were so extensive and I couldn't believe that, like the fact that you're allowed to burn someone because you're that angry that you don't have control over a human being, like there's, that's, that's sick, that's so sick, seriously.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I'm sure you can speak to this Mercer, controlling behavior only progresses. And yes, you might say, oh no, not my partner Like it, stopped at this. Yeah, but that was a progression, because he didn't do that to you before. And yes, thank God, I'm honestly, I'm so happy that maybe it stopped with really vile language and he never physically abused you. But that was a progression from no abuse to calling you the C word. That's progression. And some men or women that will progress to physical and psychological violence as well.
Speaker 1:Absolutely Honestly, in all the cases I've seen, whether in my personal life or on the ID channel, which I love, it's always gotten worse. I've never seen it in my personal life. Or on the ID channel, which I love, it's always gotten worse. I've never seen it just stay the same or get better, never. And also, what I noticed which is annoying is that, um and I'm not knocking the police, I love you have a lot of cop friends, I love that you keep us safe, but I do think the laws need to change because the police are stunted in their ability to help and you could see that like where they'll come out for a domestic abuse call, they'll be like well that you know that, he said. She said it's just a threat until real something really happens. You can't get the restraining order or we can't help you. And that's upsetting because what they are saying again, not the police fault, it's the lawmakers fault. What they're saying is until he, until he pretty much tries to kill you and probably succeeds, there's nothing we can do.
Speaker 2:So and that's scary, I'm sorry, I actually. Yeah, that's perfect segue. So the law does not look out for survivors of domestic abuse, it just doesn't. When violence happens within the home, there's little proof or evidence, obviously, like they both live in that home, their DNA is everywhere, like they didn't have to break in, you know. So survivors have to press charges. So you have been pressing charges against, potentially, the father or mother of your own child and you have to continue down a painful, arduous route to pursue just a sliver of justice, maybe. So, of course, this places that person and their children in the danger zone and it overexposes them. So many people opt out to protect their loved ones because why wouldn't you, why would you put your own child at risk and expose yourselves like that? Um, and just because the outcome might still be breaking even. Really.
Speaker 2:So, domestic violence. We have like a massive gap in our laws. There I completely agree with you. There's just like there is almost like there's no route to take until there's years of continued abuse and if you go and go to the hospital every time, document photos, eventually get a restraining order, which is not as easy as you think, and then, yeah, hopefully it a decade from now, there's enough a mountain of evidence for someone to do something, otherwise mercy. You're exactly right. It's when that person's murdered, then they go. Oh, look at that, she actually filed a restraining order six months ago.
Speaker 1:Must be her partner who did this and it's like, well, it's too late I agree it's sad honestly, because there's a lot of people that um are losing family members and friends to this when it could have been. It could have been prevented. You know they they let the cops, they they tried to file the restraining order, whether they got it or not, and it's just wasn't enough. You know they were like nope, it has to escalate a little bit more. And it's just scary because some of these people have kids. You know like it's we're not just talking about like two partners in this. Sometimes there's family kids involved. I've seen horrible things where they've tried to hurt the pets and it's scary and I feel like the cops should be able to do something about it.
Speaker 1:There should be some kind of law that is put in place to protect people earlier, especially when how come some of these men or women it is usually male dominated, though the perpetrators that they'll. The cops will ring up the record and it's got there's so much on the record so much, but because they're not actively doing something, in this current case, it's like, well, I don't know about that, and for me it's like mental health professionals are trained to track patterns and that's how we can predict future behaviors, and it's like this is a pattern. This is a pattern. This is getting worse.
Speaker 2:I think cops are often like that's beyond their job role. So they don't want to draw those conclusions because, ultimately, the people who are responding to domestic violence, like they're just uniform officers you know what I mean Like so they're like whoa, that's. You know, I'm not seeing a crime now Like, yeah, someone might have a bruise, but they both live here, both their names on the deed, they both have every right to be in this home and no one's fessing up. So, you know, pursuing more is kind of beyond their scope and they're like yeah, I don't want to be responsible for this, but someone needs to be yeah, absolutely it's scary, you know, it really is scary and there needs to be more in place to protect the victims.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. Even programs too. I feel like I can't speak for other states, but in New Jersey we do have a good amount, but I feel like we could have more, to be honest, definitely more, and also maybe programs that are directly for males right, cause that's kind of like the ones that are almost sometimes embarrassed to come forward and they are the minority victims and maybe they can have just an all male group so they don't feel so uncomfortable.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know there definitely are male charities out there I can't name them offhand, but there definitely are for men who are victims of intimate partner violence. I think obviously the majority is male dominated as perpetrator, like you said, but also there is the threat of men obviously commit more violent crimes, so they're more likely to take it a bit further. It's just based on statistics. Also, men on average are taller and way more, so there is always that threat and we need to protect the smaller partner in the relationship. Just because you like your partner, your male partner, maybe in like a heteronormative relationship, maybe he is just yelling and getting vile and he hasn't actually touched you yet, but he's maybe a foot taller than you, so you're already physically threatened, whereas when it's the opposite way around, for a male to feel physically threatened, like the woman already had to, you know, do something physical, because men don't walk around just afraid of women. We're smaller and we tend to weigh less.
Speaker 2:The threat of me attacking you is way less than the opposite way around, and I think that that's also what people don't understand. You could feel physically threatened when the person has not even touched you yet because the way they're towering over you, you know they weigh more than you. You know that with one hand they can hold both of yours down quite easily. Anyone who's in a relationship like you know this. Like, not in any sexual way, but like, if you're in a relationship, you're always like, oh, like, let me see how strong I am. Like you know you're curious and you're like could I actually fight off a man? No, straight up, and I go to the gym. I would say I'm slightly stronger than, like, the average woman. My height and weight, no, no, no, literally ted one hand down don't even play me.
Speaker 1:I had, I had you in denmark. Okay, let's talk about sister violence, just kidding yeah, um um, but no, yeah, no, men are.
Speaker 1:It's just. Again, we are just talking about the general. It's not everybody. I mean. I know there's some like Olympic athletes that are like or bodybuilding women, but that is the minority.
Speaker 1:So, yes, it can be frightening, but also people don't realize. I hate when people think like, well, if there's no physical violence, like the cops can't do anything. But emotional and verbal abuse is very damaging to someone's mental health and how they go about their lives and are able to go to work and function and, um, you know, they're probably cut off from family and friends. So what is their life look like outside? This verbally abusive relationship that is knocking down their self-confidence? Um, and it's, it's damaging. I know I mentioned financial abuse. That's a big one Controlling the finances. This person can't seek help. Maybe they're a stay-at-home mom and they rely solely on the husband's income, and he knows it, you know, and he holds it over her. That's upsetting, because what if someone's saying to their wife you know, I'm the one that work, you don't do anything. So, no, you don't get money to go to therapy, you know?
Speaker 2:It is a red flag If you are in a traditional marriage role where let's say, um, he works, you don't, that's fine. It is a red flag If he controls the money because in a successful and happy equal marriage where, even if you never worked, you always raise the kids and you agreed to that. He was like I want you at home and you're like, girl, I want to be home, like you know. But you share the money and both your names are on that bank account, both your names are on the deed to the house, Both your names are on the cars. That is a fair, equal partnership. If your partner says I don't want you to work, which is not a problem, fine. But also, for ease of bills, I'll take care of the finances. Don't put, don't even bother putting your name on it, that is a red flag. That is controlling behavior.
Speaker 2:10 years from now, when things are not looking so pretty, you, on paper, own nothing. You have the credit score of a 15 year old in high school. Nothing, zilch, zero, nada. You can't do anything now. Good luck getting a loan, good luck moving out. Please at least open a bank account. You have nothing on paper. You're now in your 30s or 40s and it's all because that is financial abuse. You have been controlled. You didn't realize. Maybe you thought, oh my god, I have such a great man. He wants to take care of the finances. Taking care of the finances and sharing the finances not the same yes, I agree, I agree.
Speaker 1:Listen, ladies, it is super important to be on everything the D the bank accounts, be involved. If you still are, say you're someone that lacks, like me I definitely lack in financial knowledge. I know that for a fact and everyone, I think, in this family knows that. But John may take care of it, but he involves me and I see all the bank statements. I'm on all the. I'm on the bank account with me and our kids savings, like we're both on it. I am fully involved. I know when we're. You know like okay, we need to curb the spending. Or oh, this month was a good month, let's go have a good fun date night. I definitely know what's in every account.
Speaker 1:And if he were to exclude me, that would be a red flag and you need to understand that, ladies. Again, like I said, you could be as bad as finances as me, but you should still know everything and be on everything. Like be in the loop. In the loop, he could still take care of it. But be like, hey, look at our account this time. Look at our savings, honey. Or oh, we really can't do this vacation this year. Like look at our bank account, honey, we're getting close there. You know we don't have enough, can't swing it this year, but if you're not in the loop that's a bit of a red flag for me. I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:Yes, and just because one person earns more, you don't get more votes in how you spend your combined money. It's the same amount of votes. It doesn't matter if you've been a housewife for 30 years and you know the person who works in corporate New York, whatever makes the big bucks. You're in a marriage. That's a partnership. Nobody gets more say, nobody gets more votes. You've agreed early in your marriage that one person isn't going to work or one person will work part time. Whatever balance works for you. Equal votes, equal money. That's it, oh 100%.
Speaker 1:It does. I don't know why, but it does rub me the wrong way when I, you know, I get women that come in and be like Well, no, you know, it is his money.
Speaker 2:And I want to be like stop saying that it's not. It's not because without you he would need to hire professionals cook, laundry, daycare. Without you, he would have none of that money. Also, maybe you, taking care of the home, allowed him to get an advanced degree and get a better job. He wouldn't be on that pay scale if you didn't help him and raise the kids and were literally a maid at home for free. Start running up a tab, ladies. Get the average rate. Google the average rate for cleaners, laundry, cooks. Yeah, Go give him a bill. He won't be able to afford it. I bet you.
Speaker 1:Also, I've done both. Okay, because when I had both my kids, I stayed home for six months for each child. I could not wait to get back to work, because you want to know why? Being a stay-at-home mom is really hard. Okay, emotionally, everything Like I mean, the only thing I could say positive about it was that I got to be with my kids and we saved money because they weren't in daycare at that time, otherwise I was leaping to go back to work. Okay, I was like I can't wait, I'm a gazelle. Here I go, I'm leaping back in. That's what's funny is, before I had kids, I would be. I didn't understand how hard it was, so I was like, oh, maternity leave joke, I can't wait to stay home and do nothing and make John do everything. I had kids and I was like John, if you could have given birth and breastfed, I would have switched with you Get me out of here. Get me out of here, so stay in asylum.
Speaker 2:I know I love the people. I was like, oh, like it's so unfair. Like women get like a major career break every time they have a kid. You go to take a because I'm in England, so you get to technically take a year out and I'm like, do you understand? Like it's a year of not 24-7 work, especially if you decide to breastfeed. Even if you're pumping, you're just like a cow on demand to your pump, like it is a 24-7 commitment raising a baby. Like at no point are these women like, oh God, year off, oh, love it.
Speaker 1:We need to change the the, the way people discuss. That right Like, let's change the language. What we should be saying is we're taking a career change this next year because it's a career. I'm sorry, it's a career, that's so true. Yeah, that's insane. We need to start saying that, ladies. Let's start saying, oh yes, I'm applying for my career change and then just whatever amount of months or years that you're doing, like for six months or a year, I would like to see if that got approved, I'll be back after that. Yeah, because it's insane and it's very hard. You get no sick days. So if you're sick and the baby's sick, well, oh well, too bad. It's seven days a week, not Monday through Friday, no, no, no, no, no. Sunday through Sunday Okay, all hours, because they don't sleep through the night at first. And, yeah, breastfeeding I'm sure Bridget could tell you a little bit about that when she would walk into my house and my nipples were out and I was getting milked by the machine.
Speaker 2:I never saw you with your nipples in. I feel like for those six months. I think you breastfed both for about six months, not exclusively, but yeah, um, and basically, like I looked at your nipples more than I looked at your face, like they were just always in the pump, I was like, wow, this girl's like attached.
Speaker 1:What it is, ladies and I'm sure other people who went through this can understand but before I got pregnant, I was like very conscious of my body. Still am to this day now that I'm out of that stage. But when I was breastfeeding I didn't give a shit If you walked in and you didn't. You were unannounced, or actually even if you announced that you were coming and it was during my time that I was pumping too bad. You were seeing my nipples. I didn't care if I look good, sexy, ugly, fat, I didn't care. You, you were seeing nipples and you were just gonna have to deal with it for the 20 minutes every every what I'm doing, every two to three hours, I think.
Speaker 2:Later it got extended before, but I don't care, you're gonna talk to me and look directly at my nipples. I think it's. There's something very freeing about if you have a child. Um, your body just becomes like open game for, like any doctor, nurse, midwife, whoever comes into the room, for those like for that. Basically like 20 plus hours that you're still in labor and then immediately postpartum. So while you're in the hospital, like so many people have seen you naked that you just kind of like lose that barrier and you're just like I don't give a shit. I like you've seen me like bouncing on a ball with my vagina out and my titties flopping. Like you're just like whatever. Like you've probably seen me like crap myself trying to push a baby out. Like you just don't care, you lose that. Like I'm naked, like that goes out the window.
Speaker 1:It really does. Honestly, I feel like any like your annual gyno since, like you know, you were the right age somewhere in your you started going um, yeah, I was like self-conscious, I'd hide the underwear under my outfit. I'd be like, oh you know, I hope everything's sparkly down there. I hope he's like this is the best vagina he's seen all day after having kids. I didn't care. You know, I show up to my annual now with a hairy cooch. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. I'm like too bad, I I literally get up there in the stirrups. I'm ready. He's like, oh god, you're ready.
Speaker 2:I'm like get in there, doc, let's go I got shit to do and let me tell you we don't care either. The amount of women you could tell when they've not had a child, honestly, like if you've never been pregnant. You come in, you're like, oh, I'm so sorry, like I'm not ready, and I'm like, girl, I see 300 of these a day. Like like your vagina doesn't even stick with me for 30 seconds, like I write my note and then it goes right out the door. You have no reason to be self-conscious because I see so many a day bleeding infectious, some healthy, but it doesn't matter. Like none of them stick in our heads. We see that many a day and they all kind of generally look, you know, everyone's like, oh, they're all unique. Yeah, they are, but actually they're all pretty much the same to me after a while, yeah like my vagina is so bad that, like you're like oh that was a bad one.
Speaker 2:They're all the same they are.
Speaker 1:But even if they are, wouldn't that be the reason to go to the doctor anyway, so you could get like antibiotics or whatever you need like that.
Speaker 2:If it was bad, you would need a doctor anyway to look at it I know so many people that were self-conscious like, oh, I'm so sorry, I'm still bleeding. I'm like, hop up, let's go. That's why we cover the table, don't care I know, I know that's so funny.
Speaker 1:It's funny, I mean, I don't know. Motherhood just transforms you into a lady that does not give a shit. I don't care do not care, I don't know how we have strayed we were talking about domestic violence and somehow we're talking about, like, showing the guy in or your cooch, no matter what.
Speaker 2:I don't know here, ladies, I don't know but actually you know what I wanted to mention because I know mercy. You've seen this um. For any of our listeners out there, if you haven't already watched this show on netflix, it's two years old now, so I'm sure a lot of people have seen it.
Speaker 1:The maid oh, I still have to see that you haven't seen the maid wait, the one where I was supposed. Yeah, yeah, I was supposed to, and my kids have kind of taken over my life. I'm going to.
Speaker 2:It's on the list okay, honestly, merceau, like tonight, you watch it in two days, two, three. It's only six episodes or something. It's a limited series. For anyone who hasn't seen it, it's about um. It's Andy McDowell and her daughter and they both star in it together.
Speaker 2:Um, but it's about a young woman she's only like 25 who is in a serious relationship. They're engaged I don't believe they're married. They have a child together and they live in Seattle and he takes on the full financial responsibility. Once she gets pregnant. He says you know, I want you to stay home and she's like yeah, okay, whatever, nothing is in her name and it basically just highlights how difficult it is to leave a situation. And this girl is tough, okay, like tough as nails. Yet she ends up going back once or twice Because she has nothing in her name as an adult and she's trying to feed a child, clothe a child, legally send her child to school, because you have to by law. I think by then her child's already four or five. Um, when you have nobody to lean on because her mother, um, unfortunately has bipolar disorder. So she's not extremely dependable as child care, but she, when she is there and on her med, she's not extremely dependable as childcare, but when she is there and on her meds she's great, but sometimes she goes off on her little tangents and she's not really available as a primary caretaker.
Speaker 2:It is an incredible and eye-opening show about how difficult it is to navigate leaving an abusive situation when you are completely financially dependent on somebody else. You're a young person and it's not that you could just go off and go into the streets and be like you know what, I'll just look after myself. When you're looking after a child, they legally have to be in sheltered accommodation, they have to be fed, they have to go to school. So imagine doing all this while working your first job in about five years, trying to get government assistance, trying to get into a shelter for women. It is incredible and it just shows you how many flaws are in our systems because we do not provide adequate safety for women and children at all. I highly recommend it. It really made me think twice about what we do to provide the most vulnerable in society. Yeah, it's called the Maid. It's on Netflix. Like I said, I'm sure a lot of people have already seen it. It was so popular when it came out two years ago. Mercy, you need to watch it tonight.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna. You've sold me. I mean, I was already sold, but now you've reminded me. See, I've got that mom brain problem.
Speaker 2:It's just if I don't do it right, then and there my brain just gets rid of it. It's so beautiful too, because, andy McDowell, you know her from the 90s curly hair. When you see her, you'd be like, yeah, big actress, and it's her actual daughter. So they do riff off each other and they have such a like. At first I was like, wow, they have really great chemistry as mother and daughter. And then I googled it and I was like, oh my god, it's her actual daughter. They look similar, like you know, they have the curly, thick black hair, um. But it just makes it so much better to actually know that that chemistry that they have is real. It's so good. I honestly I wish I could watch it again. I need to forget more of it. I need to forget more of it so I can re-watch it I can't believe it's a true story too.
Speaker 1:That's what's crazy, is it so it is. Yes, that's what I looked at. Wow, wow, I'm making be second guess my mom brain, so I'm gonna google this right now.
Speaker 2:I wouldn't be surprised if it was, because there's nothing so shocking or scandalous in it. It actually just feels like real life for someone who's trying to protect their child.
Speaker 1:Yes, it's a true story, um, of stephanie land. She's the author of her own. What happened, and then it was made into this movie, oh?
Speaker 2:wow, wow.
Speaker 1:Wow, yeah, wow, single mom, stephanie land True story. Well, that's awesome. So I and now I'm gonna have to watch it and report back.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely, it's so good so.
Speaker 1:I feel like we've discussed a really emotional topic and I do encourage anyone who's anyone who's been through it or going through it, you know seek the help and support you need. I can definitely link some helpline stuff in our Buzzsprout. I always say Buzzfeed, our Buzzsprout page. Usually I have disclaimers at the bottom but I could link like a domestic abuse hotline for you guys. But please absolutely seek professional help and support. It's definitely needed and it's not easy. As you've seen Bridget said in the maid and as I've seen in my own practice people tend to go back that for financial reasons. Support just basic life necessities like food and everything and shelter. So with support it makes it a little bit easier for you to not have to go back, because we don't want you doing that in that kind of environment, especially if there's kids involved.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I also just want to mention a bit of like a topic that's been in the news lately.
Speaker 2:As many of you probably already heard, on June 21st it was reported that the Supreme Court upheld a federal law that bars anyone subject to a domestic violence restraining order from possessing a gun. The vote was eight to one in favor of the law, which is great, and they found it did not violate the Constitution's Second Amendment, and Justice Clarence Thomas was the only dissenter, which is questionable. But so, yeah, they upheld that law that if you have a domestic violence restraining order, you still cannot legally get a registered firearm, which is common sense to many. But it's really good that they did uphold that. And I'm sure everyone else is breathing a sigh of relief, because getting a domestic violence restraining order means that a competent judge has reviewed your case and issued that restraining order. It's not easy to just get one, so that's, you know, pretty serious to actually have one out against you. So, um, yeah, really really pleased with that, and I'm sure every you know people everywhere feel a lot safer knowing that that law was upheld.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. I'm glad that that was upheld.
Speaker 2:Yeah, If I mean if you are, you know, tend to be a more violent and aggressive person against someone you love, what's stopping you from escalating that and using a firearm? Nothing, really. So you know you shouldn't have the legal opportunity to purchase one just like an ex-con, can't. You know there are certain things that, unfortunately, you lose that right, and this is one of them.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm happy that was upheld.
Speaker 1:Good Congrats, yay. So we? I know you put our, your faith in us and we suck. I'm sorry, but we dropped the ball. Um, we were supposed to ask jerry the question of the week and I think, in loss of translation, either bridget and I thought the other one might have been taking care of it, so it then it never got taken care of, um, and then when we did message her this morning, she's like um, um, ladies, I'm on a funeral, so good luck with that. So that's what she said this week Ladies, I'm on a funeral, good luck with that. So, but we are going to make it up to you and we now know to have better communication.
Speaker 1:Sorry, just her being a doctor and pregnant and in on a different time zone versus me and toddlers trying to work from home and manage employees. It just it was crazy. Also not an excuse, but my son's birthday is this week and last this past weekend was my husband's. So planning, you know, get togethers and everything going on. There is a little cray cray. So forgive us, but in order to pay you guys back, next week we're going to have her answer the question that would have been for this week and next week, so you're going to get a two for one special next week guys.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, I'm so sorry, and Jerry is keen to answer the question. She just literally can't. She's working and can't be on her phone, so we will give you the answer from this week and we'll do next week. She'll get a two for one of tough love with Jer Bear. So I'm so sorry. Just believe in us this one more time.
Speaker 1:We failed, you please.
Speaker 2:Don't hate us.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, but you know what. This serves as a good example. Again, not an excuse, but we're mothers and juggling, we have careers. We're not just stay at home moms, we're not just podcasters. We have serious careers and commitments and families and events and sometimes, you know, the juggling gets hard and something drops and we apologize.
Speaker 2:So many events. Oh my gosh. Merce and I were just texting a few days ago. The summer is like I mean, I love the summer. It's my birthday month as well, now that it's July, like it's my favorite time of the year. But it is when events pop off, like weddings, showers, everything. I have my birthday party. I'm planning because it's going to be my 30th. I have my baby shower. There's like so many things on my mind right now in the summer and I know that sounds like really lame because it's a it's a bad excuse, but, like you know, you just get like the rush of events every summer. You know who's wedding's wedding who showers I?
Speaker 2:have to buy a gift for this, buy an outfit for that, and you're just like ah, like I'm planning somebody's bachelorette right now and I have two weddings coming up and my birthday, two baby showers yeah, it's just a lot well, if we can give the, the crowd, anything, I could tell you exactly what jerry would say, though, if she was listening to this.
Speaker 1:when I was your age, I juggled way more like triple the load, and I was just getting it all done, so she wouldn't have failed, you guys. If this was Jerry's podcast, she would not have failed, you guys.
Speaker 2:That's so true. We can ask her what do you think about us forgetting to ask you a question?
Speaker 1:She would have been like slackers disappointments. I'm sorry we failed you.
Speaker 2:We did, we did fail you but we love you, we all, we love you all, we do also we noticed that the subscribers have been going up on youtube.
Speaker 1:We're almost at 500. We love you guys. Thank you so much that is huge.
Speaker 2:I know that we're just like these little podcasters and we do it, yes, like technically in our free time, but it like these little podcasters and we do it, yes, like technically in our free time, but it means so much to us, uh, and we please give us your feedback. Few of you do, and I totally appreciate it, but give us more feedback If you can, just if you have a second a day. Just let us know what you want to hear, what you don't want to hear, anything we can change please, please, please.
Speaker 1:We want you to make this your own, absolutely. Um. So again, please like, subscribe, especially on youtube. Subscribe for us, um at psychotic py podcast. Um, and once again, thank you for always following us along this journey and listening, and we love you guys we love you so much.
Speaker 2:Thank you, have a great weekend take care happy fourth of july.